Larry Laffer
Dream Mirror
l33t Smartass
I shall not BOW! EVER!
Posts: 6,625
|
Post by Larry Laffer on Jul 13, 2007 11:35:27 GMT -5
Well, post here thy jokes: (and since we all know you're slow starters, I'll start) 1] This girl was in a Christian Sunday school, and was dozing off. The teacher, noticing it, said to here promptly "who created the world". Just as she said this, the boy behind her poked her with a penci, so she sat up and screamed "Oh My God!". "Very good," said the teacher. The girl started to doze off again, so the teacher asked her "Who is our savior?" *kid pokes her*. "Jesus Christ!" she said. "Very good". Once again, she started to sleep, so the teacher asked her "What did Eve say to Adam after their 23rd child?". *poke* She said "If you stick that thing into me one more time, I swear to god I'm going to break it in two!" 2] A team of archaeologists were working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order, the figures were: 1. a woman; 2. a donkey; 3. a shovel; 4. a fish; 5. a Star of David After months of studying the rock, and the figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said: The carvings were several thousand years old, but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time: 1. The woman being placed first in the line of figures indicated that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2. The donkey indicated that they had domesticated animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent, as they knew how to make tools. 4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping the sea. 5. The Star of David, of course, indicates they were a very religious group of people. A little old man in the front row raised his hand to get the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged, he said, " I'm sorry to blow your conclusion but you were reading it from left to right. In Hebrew, we read from right to left. That way, it reads: "Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that babe!" Feel free to add material here
|
|
|
Post by AmyAnn on Jul 13, 2007 13:45:57 GMT -5
I heard the first one in primary school, I laughed hard and it's good to hear it again
|
|
supremegoddess
Heart Crystal
Messenger Girl
Where did everyone go??
Posts: 3,825
|
Post by supremegoddess on Jul 17, 2007 3:08:11 GMT -5
ROFLMFAO!!! Larry, that is worthy of karma!
|
|
|
Post by Lunawisper on Jul 20, 2007 21:37:06 GMT -5
From any MMORPG:
A group of people were trying to beat a high level monster and the party keeps dying...This one person says "Sorry guys, I gotta go help my guild." The guild master replies "We ARE your guild!" The person simply responded "Uh...Yeah...About that *insert the command to leave the guild here*"
|
|
Larry Laffer
Dream Mirror
l33t Smartass
I shall not BOW! EVER!
Posts: 6,625
|
Post by Larry Laffer on Jul 21, 2007 5:17:05 GMT -5
Hmm... I wonder if I'm the only one that laughs at Lunawisper's joke
|
|
|
Post by TotallyUsagi on Jul 22, 2007 8:11:01 GMT -5
Lol no I find it funny, just probably not as funny as you find it.... you nerd...
|
|
Larry Laffer
Dream Mirror
l33t Smartass
I shall not BOW! EVER!
Posts: 6,625
|
Post by Larry Laffer on Jul 22, 2007 8:55:10 GMT -5
TotallyUsagi, you flatterer! ^_^
3]A lawyer is sitting next to a blonde on an airplane. He turned to the blonde and asked her if she wanted to play a game.
"I ask you a question, and if you can't answered it correctly then you pay me five bucks, and vice-versa."
The blonde really just wanted to get some sleep, so she refused politely. But the lawyer persisted.
"Fine, if I can't answer a question correctly, then I'll pay you $50!"
The blonde figured that if she went along with the game he would leave her alone afterwards.
"What is the distance from the moon to the earth?"
The blonde searched her purse and handed him a five dollar bill and turned to get some sleep. But the lawyer bugged her to ask him a question.
"What goes up a hill with three legs and down a hill with four?"
The lawyer was stumped. He took out his laptop and searched all over the net, emailed his friends, and looked in every search engine he knew. But he never found an answer. So he handed her fifty dollars and the blonde took it.
"So, what is the answer then?"
The blonde handed him a five dollar bill and went back to sleep.
4]This guy signs up for a class called "relativity", but doesn't know what it is. So he goes to his teacher and asks him what it is. The teacher says: teacher:"Well, do you have a lawnmower?" man:"yes" teacher:"if you have a lawnmower, I take it you have a lawn" man:"yes" teacher:"if you have a lawn, you must have a house" man:"yes" teacher:"and if you have a house, you must have a wife" man:"yes" teacher:"and if you have a wife, you must not be gay" man:"yes" teacher" "that's relativity" man:"ok, I got it"
So the man walks out to the hall, and another man goes up to him and asks what relativity is. So the man who just asked the teacher says: man 1: "Do you have a lawnmower?" man 2: "No" man 1: "You Queer!"
|
|
|
Post by TotallyUsagi on Jul 23, 2007 8:17:56 GMT -5
Aww Larry you told it so wrong!! I heard a so much better version of that one!!! (although it's better if I tell it with voices and everything >_<) It was: A redneck enrolled in college and had trouble choosing his classes, he looked through the list and turned to the man next to him and said "Hey, what's this here class called 'logic'" The student turned to him and explained, "Well, do you have a weedeater" "Yep" "Well by that I can assume you have a lawn" "Well, ayup" "And then I can deduce that you indeed own a house" "Uh-huh" "And if you have a house, then you're married right?" "Yep, I gots me a wife." "And if you have a wife, then you of course are a heterosexual, correct?" "That's right!" "Well that's logic!" "Dang!" So then the redneck gets home and boasts to his neighbor about his day, saying he learned what logic was, to which the neighbor replied "Well what is it?" The redneck said "Well, do you own a weedeater?" "No..." "You're a dang queer aincha?!" There, that's much better lol That's how we tell it in this here South!!
|
|
Maria
Chibi Senshi
Summer Afternoon
Posts: 90
|
Post by Maria on Jul 30, 2007 1:07:10 GMT -5
lol, I love the relativity one. So, ah... here's a joke I like.
A woman had three daughters. The first one asked her mother one day,
"Mommy, why did you name me Rose?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a rose petal fell on your head."
The second daughter asked,
"Mommy, why did you name me Daisy?"
The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a daisy petal fell on your head."
The third daughter opened her mouth and said, "SLOGFAporasd," and the mother replied, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
|
|
supremegoddess
Heart Crystal
Messenger Girl
Where did everyone go??
Posts: 3,825
|
Post by supremegoddess on Jul 30, 2007 1:56:11 GMT -5
Lol, those were funny
|
|
connoissuer
Senshi in Training
My personal text
Posts: 20
|
Post by connoissuer on Jul 30, 2007 14:55:32 GMT -5
Why don't snakes have balls? Because hardly any of them know how to dance!
Sorry, that's the best one I have.
|
|
supremegoddess
Heart Crystal
Messenger Girl
Where did everyone go??
Posts: 3,825
|
Post by supremegoddess on Jul 31, 2007 6:21:33 GMT -5
I have a joke but if you get offended by jokes bagging US presidents then don't read Bill Clinton was asked to go to a primary school to talk to some children. Thinking it might help him come election time, he agreed. Getting to the class in particular, he was told to discuss "tragedy, accident, and great loss". So Bill Clinton asks the children, "Who can tell me what a tragedy is?" A child put their hand in the air and said, "When a child is chasing after his ball and gets hit by a car." "No," said Bill Clinton, "that would be an accident. Who can tell me what a tragedy is?" A girl put her hand up as said, "When a school bus full of kids runs off a cliff." "No, that would be a great loss," said the president, "but who can tell me what a tragedy is?" A boy in a corner of the class put up his hand and said, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on a plane and it blew up." Bill Clinton considered this. "Yes, I can see how that might be so, but why would it be a tragedy?" "Because," said the boy, "it wouldn't have been an accident, and sure as heck wouldn't have been a great loss." Sorry if I offended anyone!
|
|
Larry Laffer
Dream Mirror
l33t Smartass
I shall not BOW! EVER!
Posts: 6,625
|
Post by Larry Laffer on Jul 31, 2007 11:58:11 GMT -5
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha! [/excessive hahas!] lol, that was a good one!
|
|
|
Post by Ellethwen on Aug 17, 2007 14:06:48 GMT -5
An Iowa joke!
---
The Duck & the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Iowa . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Iowa. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."
----
The moral of this story?
Don't mess with the farmers.
(We do mess with people's minds out here, though ;D )
|
|
supremegoddess
Heart Crystal
Messenger Girl
Where did everyone go??
Posts: 3,825
|
Post by supremegoddess on Aug 18, 2007 6:41:17 GMT -5
Hahaha, I like that one. Lol ;D Karma-worthy!
|
|