Post by ainominako on Jul 9, 2005 19:16:01 GMT -5
I can't remember where I found these, but I thought they were hilarious! (and I plan of following these guidelines to someday become the best evil villian... ever!
How to be a great Evil Villian
I will not interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum. A small hotel room located well outside the borders of my kingdom works just as well and has the benefits of privacy and intimacy. After the interrogation, I will shoot them.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament to show my superiority. I will shoot them.
If one of my enemies says, "Look, before you kill us, will you at least tell us what this is all about?" I will say "No." And then I will shoot them.
When the rebel leader challenges me to a one-on-one fight, and asks "Or are you afraid to face me without your goons to back you up?" My reply will be "No, I’m not afraid... Just sensible." And then I will shoot him.
My enemies are not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or a last anything. They are entitled to get shot.
My doomsday device will not employ a large red digital countdown device unless it is absolutely necessary. If a countdown device proves to be necessary, the doomsday device will be set to activate when the counter reaches 00:10:00, rather than 00:00:00.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic rifle marksmanship. Any who cannot hit a man-sized target at ten meters will be used for target practice.
While deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will certainly have their place in my Legions of Terror, I will not send them out on missions that require tact or subtlety.
I will not use any Master Plan for which the final step is horribly complicated (for example, "align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar and activate the medallion during a total eclipse"). Instead, I will use plans that have a final step along the lines of "push the button".
My headquarters will have a heavily guarded room located at the bottom of a 100 story subterranean shaft behind a door marked "command center". This room will have a sophisticated computer the size of a city bus. This computer will contain a carefully encrypted but totally false version of my Master Plan, have no external links, and no real purpose. My actual "command center" will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card table with a folding chair at the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked "standpipe valves", accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.
Another of my closest advisors will be a prolific hack novelist. If any part of my Master Plan begins to resemble any of his work, it will be disregarded.
If a messenger interrupts me during a meeting, a bath, or a romantic encounter, I will assume he has a real and important reason for doing so. He will only be executed if he interrupted me for no reason.
I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I am evil, not stupid.
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, I will design all of my personal sidearms to fire one more bullet than is standard.
If I find that my beautiful consort has been secretly associating with the hero, I will have her executed. This is regrettable, but maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
If I have children and then grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will first ask him to explain why it is that her beloved Grandpa has to die. When the hero launches into a long-winded, way-over-her-head dissertation on morality, that will be her cue to pull the lever that sends the hero into the pit of crocodiles. (Children love crocodiles almost as much as they love their grandparents, and it’s always important to spend quality time with children.)
When it is prophesized that "no man will defeat me", I will keep in mind the growing presence and influence of non-traditional gender roles in the world today.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any "repairmen" who show up at the door will be escorted to the dungeon.
My force field generators will be located inside the force field they generate.
My pet monster's cage will be cleaned regularly and kept free of rocks, sticks, bones, or any other debris condemned prisoners might use as weapons to slay it when I drop them through the secret trap door.
Regardless of the extra revenue and good PR they might generate, I will not allow public tours of my fortress or any other important facility I own.
Any new concubines I plan to add to my harem will go through a complete screening process, including tests for STDs.
The moat around my fortress will be teaming with sharks with lasers on their heads (every creature deserves a warm meal ). And no, I will not settle for sea bass, no matter how ill-tempered they are. ALL I ASK FOR IS SOME SHARKS WITH FRICKING LASERS ON THEIR HEADS!!!!
All my secret escape pods will come with leather interior, dual climate zone comfort system, AM/FM stereo with 5 disk CD changer, emergency small arms cache, first aid kit, and a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror.
If I ever spend 30 years in cryogenic stasis, upon awakening I will defer any evil scheming until my Trusted Lieutenant can bring me up to speed on current events
If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality that is so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of stolen time.
My Secret Police will be instructed to concentrate on Genuine Threats To My Reign. They do not need to waste time and resources investigating/persecuting every last disgruntled peasant, unless it's a slow day and there's really nothing else for them to do.
I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
Any documentation that I must keep regarding my latest plan for global domination/ultimate weapon/etc. will be kept in a folder labeled something uninteresting, such as "Sewage System Maintenance Logs". I will, however, leave on my desk a folder with a catchy, upbeat label like "Operation: Annihilate". In the folder will be a single diskette, labeled only with a skull-and-crossbones. On the diskette will be the nastiest viruses, Trojan horse programs, and computer worms that I and/or my henchmen can devise. My base's computers will of course be protected against anything on this diskette, and inserting the diskette into a computer on my base will trigger the death rays.
All deathtraps will have only one way in or out, with any way out leading to an even more cunning deathtrap that works faster.
I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisors on the payroll and in proximity to both help my enemies underestimate me and provide a few extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be penetrated.
I will encourage general promiscuty, restrict access to birth control, and provide the best in STD research/prevention and pre-and post-natal care. The resultant population will be more satisfied and complacent, and will fuel my war machines, production, dressmaking, and general fun.
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to really advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve the job.
If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I outclass my opponent in skill and finesse, I will fight dirty and get the job done as quickly as possible.
How to be a great Evil Villian
I will not interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum. A small hotel room located well outside the borders of my kingdom works just as well and has the benefits of privacy and intimacy. After the interrogation, I will shoot them.
I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament to show my superiority. I will shoot them.
If one of my enemies says, "Look, before you kill us, will you at least tell us what this is all about?" I will say "No." And then I will shoot them.
When the rebel leader challenges me to a one-on-one fight, and asks "Or are you afraid to face me without your goons to back you up?" My reply will be "No, I’m not afraid... Just sensible." And then I will shoot him.
My enemies are not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or a last anything. They are entitled to get shot.
My doomsday device will not employ a large red digital countdown device unless it is absolutely necessary. If a countdown device proves to be necessary, the doomsday device will be set to activate when the counter reaches 00:10:00, rather than 00:00:00.
My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic rifle marksmanship. Any who cannot hit a man-sized target at ten meters will be used for target practice.
While deformed mutants and oddball psychotics will certainly have their place in my Legions of Terror, I will not send them out on missions that require tact or subtlety.
I will not use any Master Plan for which the final step is horribly complicated (for example, "align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar and activate the medallion during a total eclipse"). Instead, I will use plans that have a final step along the lines of "push the button".
My headquarters will have a heavily guarded room located at the bottom of a 100 story subterranean shaft behind a door marked "command center". This room will have a sophisticated computer the size of a city bus. This computer will contain a carefully encrypted but totally false version of my Master Plan, have no external links, and no real purpose. My actual "command center" will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card table with a folding chair at the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked "standpipe valves", accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.
Another of my closest advisors will be a prolific hack novelist. If any part of my Master Plan begins to resemble any of his work, it will be disregarded.
If a messenger interrupts me during a meeting, a bath, or a romantic encounter, I will assume he has a real and important reason for doing so. He will only be executed if he interrupted me for no reason.
I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude, or desperation. I am evil, not stupid.
Since nothing is more irritating than a hero defeating you with basic math skills, I will design all of my personal sidearms to fire one more bullet than is standard.
If I find that my beautiful consort has been secretly associating with the hero, I will have her executed. This is regrettable, but maybe the next one will pay attention at the orientation meeting.
If I have children and then grandchildren, I will keep my three-year-old granddaughter near me at all times. When the hero enters to kill me, I will first ask him to explain why it is that her beloved Grandpa has to die. When the hero launches into a long-winded, way-over-her-head dissertation on morality, that will be her cue to pull the lever that sends the hero into the pit of crocodiles. (Children love crocodiles almost as much as they love their grandparents, and it’s always important to spend quality time with children.)
When it is prophesized that "no man will defeat me", I will keep in mind the growing presence and influence of non-traditional gender roles in the world today.
All repair work will be done by an in-house maintenance staff. Any "repairmen" who show up at the door will be escorted to the dungeon.
My force field generators will be located inside the force field they generate.
My pet monster's cage will be cleaned regularly and kept free of rocks, sticks, bones, or any other debris condemned prisoners might use as weapons to slay it when I drop them through the secret trap door.
Regardless of the extra revenue and good PR they might generate, I will not allow public tours of my fortress or any other important facility I own.
Any new concubines I plan to add to my harem will go through a complete screening process, including tests for STDs.
The moat around my fortress will be teaming with sharks with lasers on their heads (every creature deserves a warm meal ). And no, I will not settle for sea bass, no matter how ill-tempered they are. ALL I ASK FOR IS SOME SHARKS WITH FRICKING LASERS ON THEIR HEADS!!!!
All my secret escape pods will come with leather interior, dual climate zone comfort system, AM/FM stereo with 5 disk CD changer, emergency small arms cache, first aid kit, and a pair of fuzzy dice hanging from the rear view mirror.
If I ever spend 30 years in cryogenic stasis, upon awakening I will defer any evil scheming until my Trusted Lieutenant can bring me up to speed on current events
If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
The gun turrets on my fortress will not rotate enough so that they may direct fire inward or at each other.
I will instruct my guards when checking a cell that appears empty to look for the chamber pot. If the chamber pot is still there, then the prisoner has escaped and they may enter and search for clues. If the chamber pot is not there, then either the prisoner is perched above the lintel waiting to strike them with it or else he decided to take it as a souvenir (in which case he is obviously deeply disturbed and poses no threat). Either way, there's no point in entering.
I will exchange the labels on my folder of top-secret plans and my folder of family recipes. Imagine the hero's surprise when he decodes the stolen plans and finds instructions for Grandma's Potato Salad.
I will add indelible dye to the moat. It won't stop anyone from swimming across, but even dim-witted guards should be able to figure out when someone has entered in this fashion.
I will decree that all hay be shipped in tightly-packed bales. Any wagonload of loose hay attempting to pass through a checkpoint will be set on fire.
I will not use hostages as bait in a trap. Unless you're going to use them for negotiation or as human shields, there's no point in taking them.
I will be selective in the hiring of assassins. Anyone who attempts to strike down the hero the first instant his back is turned will not even be considered for the job.
Whatever my one vulnerability is, I will fake a different one. For example, ordering all mirrors removed from the palace, screaming and flinching whenever someone accidentally holds up a mirror, etc. In the climax when the hero whips out a mirror and thrusts it at my face, my reaction will be "Hmm...I think I need a shave."
No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality that is so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of stolen time.
My Secret Police will be instructed to concentrate on Genuine Threats To My Reign. They do not need to waste time and resources investigating/persecuting every last disgruntled peasant, unless it's a slow day and there's really nothing else for them to do.
I will not send out battalions composed wholly of robots or skeletons against heroes who have qualms about killing living beings.
Any documentation that I must keep regarding my latest plan for global domination/ultimate weapon/etc. will be kept in a folder labeled something uninteresting, such as "Sewage System Maintenance Logs". I will, however, leave on my desk a folder with a catchy, upbeat label like "Operation: Annihilate". In the folder will be a single diskette, labeled only with a skull-and-crossbones. On the diskette will be the nastiest viruses, Trojan horse programs, and computer worms that I and/or my henchmen can devise. My base's computers will of course be protected against anything on this diskette, and inserting the diskette into a computer on my base will trigger the death rays.
All deathtraps will have only one way in or out, with any way out leading to an even more cunning deathtrap that works faster.
I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisors on the payroll and in proximity to both help my enemies underestimate me and provide a few extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be penetrated.
I will encourage general promiscuty, restrict access to birth control, and provide the best in STD research/prevention and pre-and post-natal care. The resultant population will be more satisfied and complacent, and will fuel my war machines, production, dressmaking, and general fun.
Despite the delicious irony, I will not force two heroes to fight each other in the arena.
My doomsday machine will have a highly-advanced technological device called a capacitor in case someone inconveniently pulls the plug at the last second. (If I have access to really advanced technology, I will include a back-up device known as a battery.)
If I'm sitting in my camp, hear a twig snap, start to investigate, then encounter a small woodland creature, I will send out some scouts anyway just to be on the safe side. (If they disappear into the foliage, I will not send out another patrol; I will break out the napalm.)
When my Legions of Terror park their vehicle to do reconnaissance on foot, they will be instructed to employ The Club.
I will not pick up a glowing ancient artifact and shout "Its power is now mine!!!" Instead I will grab some tongs, transfer it to a hazardous materials container, and transport it back to my lab for study.
If I'm wearing the key to the hero's shackles around my neck and his former girlfriend now volunteers to become my mistress and we are all alone in my bedchamber on my bed and she offers me a goblet of wine, I will politely decline the offer.
I will build machines which simply fail when overloaded, rather than wipe out all nearby henchmen in an explosion or worse yet set off a chain reaction. I will do this by using devices known as "surge protectors".
I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the sad-eyed puppy too, I don't deserve the job.
If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I outclass my opponent in skill and finesse, I will fight dirty and get the job done as quickly as possible.